Visit with Christopher and George

It took 30 years, but I finally got to visit with my nephew Chris (Mike's son) and his partner, George. We rented an SUV (it was pretty fancy... I should've taken pictures), and we drove up to the Grand Canyon, making a couple of stops along the way. First, as a surprise,we went to Sedona... It was a beautiful day! The sky was a stunning blue, and the green of the trees popped against the red rocks. We then drove north through Oak Creek Canyon, then stopped in Flagstaff to eat lunch (at Denny's) and get gas. When we headed out again, we made a stop at the Williams Deer Farm... I love that place!!! And, from there, on up to the Grand Canyon... It was a pleasure to share this day with Chris and George!

It HURTS!

In 1961, before I reached the age of two, my parents were divorced. I had no memories of my dad, other than the pictures that I've seen. Maybe it was just the natural desire to have a father and someone who loved me. Or, it may have been the feelings of a middle child, that never felt loved, yet it was obvious that Michael (the oldest and only boy) was the twinkle in my mom's eyes. And, that Jill, the baby, and poor thing never had a father, was obviously not only my mom's favorite, but my Granny's, too. Or, maybe it was the fact that my mother had a boyfriend, that I did NOT like, or, for whatever reason, I constantly talked about finding him, even though my mom had no trouble telling us what an awful man he was. Well, it took me 21 years, but thanks to a Primary lesson on Family History, I decided the time had come to find my dad. I knew he was born in Charleston, West Virginia, and that he had several siblings, so that's where my search began. I went to the Mesa Library and looked for names in the Charleston phone book. First, looking for Donal (his name) or Oscar (his dad's name), then names and initials of the few sibling names I knew. My dad had a brother named Clair, so after 12 other calls to potential relatives, when I saw "C. Lanham" I called the number, which actually belonged Charles Lanham, a distant relative, who knew Juanita Epling, my dad's sister. He said he would pass on my information that I shared with him... And, he DID! It ended up that Juanita (aka Pebble) contacted my dad, in Cocoa, Florida, and a week later, when I answered the phone, the man on the other end said, "Robin, this is your daddy." I was ecstatic! That was in April 1983. In September 1984 I flew to Florida to meet him, for the first time! I should note here, that when I met my dad it was very obvious that I looked just like him. This made me wonder if this was the reason why I was not my mom's favorite... I reminded her too much of him! Naturally, I was full of questions, wondering why he never tried to contact us, and not surprisingly, his story was NOT the same as my mom's. As much as she always blamed him, he said the final split came when he went to West Virginia to find a home for us, and when he returned to Michigan, to get us, my grandmother had talked my mother out of moving away from Michigan. Obviously, I was too young at the time to know the truth of what happened, but I was happy, now, knowing that I had found him. He came to Mesa once, when Gary and I were engaged... I felt so blessed to have two men in my life who loved me! We stayed in contact over the years, by way of letters and phone calls. Then, 1998 he came to Eagar, to see me again. He was not feeling well at this time, and when he returned to West Virginia he was diagnosed with lung cancer. When I got a phone call (in February 2000) from my 1/2 sister, Vanessa, she said he was getting worse, and if I wanted to see him alive I should visit now... So, I did. And, fortunately I was able to visit him, again, in June 2000, when I went to Michigan, for a family reunion (I rented a car, and drove there). Two weeks later, he died. Now, fast forward to this past week (April 2013). After doing Family History (again) I was anxious to see pictures of my dad, and his family, and Vanessa (and her mom) sent me several pictures, including one of my dad, at 12, and another of his mother; my grandmother. This was exciting for me, and I shared the pictures with my mom... That was a MISTAKE! My mom responded by saying, "In the words of your g-ma Veryser, 'You are true Lanhams.'" I was okay with this, until she followed that by asking, "Did your dad like you better when you met him? He didn't like you & Linda when you were little." TALK ABOUT A STAB IN THE HEART! When I asked her, "Why?" she responded with, "He said you annoyed him... You didn't have to make noise, you were just in his space." WHY WOULD SHE SAY THIS TO ME?!? Seriously, I've always felt unloved by her, and now to say that he didn't love me, either, when he's dead, and I can't even contest it! Growing up, my mom did not show love to me. From the time I was 8, I can only recall two times that she even hugged me... when she dropped me off at Central Michigan, and the day I married Gary. She was "in love" with Dave, who was a mean drunk, who beat me with the buckle end of a belt, and left welts on my back. The man she wanted to "go out for the night with," so she left us at the creepy Smith house, where I didn't sleep a wink all night, waiting for her to come back. The man that I swore, one day, if he hit me again I would position myself to get a sharp knife and defend myself. This woman who told me (when I asked) if I had a baby, she would not come to visit. Who later told me (when I was suffering depression about being infertile), "If I didn't have anything good to tell her not to call." And, I didn't... For years! This same woman that told me we moved out of my Granny's house, because she was always comparing me to Katie (my cousin). I found the ability to forgive my dad, well, for not being a dad. But, can I forgive this woman that did little, but complain about how hard her life was, raising four children alone... Was it harder than it should've been because she only loved 1/2 of her children?

Edith Wiltbank

On Monday I received a message from Gale Wiltbank (my former brother-in-law) letting me know that his mother (my former mother-in-law) died on Friday - February 1st. I honestly never thought that day would come!

This woman made Gary's and my life miserable for years! (I could go on here, but for now, let's just say we did NOT see eye-to-eye.) Yesterday, I sucked it up and went to her funeral... This was EXTREMELY uncomfortable for me. Why? Well, I am sealed (through Gary) to these people; they are supposed to be my eternal family. Yet, these people (other than Gale) have made NO attempt to stay in contact with me since Gary died. Granted, I have not gone out of my way either, but I have (like I said) stayed in contact with Gale... He has continuously had my address, which means it was available to the rest of them, too. This doesn't really surprise me, since they didn't have much to do with me when Gary was alive. Then, at the funeral, several of them wanted to hug me and talk to me like I was their favorite relative. Oh how happy they were to see me, but to me, it's pretty likely that I may never see them again (unless Gale lets me know when Ron dies). It's just so weird to me... I really wanted to be a part of their family at one time. I think I may even have feelings for them. My family was always so far away, so being invited to birthday parties or special events just couldn't happen. On the other hand, Gary's family was just a couple hour's drive away... Yet, we weren't invited... Ever! Any way, like I was saying, I do have feelings for them. It was sad to see Ron sitting next to the coffin. He's aged a lot in the past 10 years; he's gone gray, he's so thin and looks frail; not the pillar of strength and determination that I always saw him as. Cathy (Gale's wife) shared with me that Gale had had a stroke; instantly feelings of love and concern arose. I looked at their (Gale and Cathy's) children only to realize that I recognized only their oldest, Spencer. The others really have no idea who I am. At one time I knew 6 of Carol(Gary's sister) and David's boys, but in the past 10 years they've grown to men (who are married), and although I knew who they belonged to I couldn't put a name with a face. Maybe I shouldn't be surprised by their behavior towards me, maybe they treat everyone the same way. I say this becuz for the number of relatives the Wiltbanks have, there were very FEW people at the funeral; primarily it was just children and grandchildren. Where were the others? Why were they not there? Ron has brothers... None were there. Edith had 5 siblings; although they are dead they have children, her nieces and nephews; only a couple were there. Not to mention the gajillion cousins, Wiltbanks and Udalls. I should also mention that the words which were spoken at the funeral were pretty contrary to the woman I knew. She started off being friendly and loving, but this soon changed. The day after I married Gary he warned me about her; he said she was generous, but she always wanted something in return. I learned the hard way this was true. Gale and Carol did not share this fact in their talks. I guess that's pretty typical. I mean I have never been to a funeral where a person's faults were shared, but it made sitting there, listening to 1/2 truths very uncomfortable. In addition, there was NO mention of Gary. This made me FURIOUS! They talked about Sandra, Carol and Gale, but not Gary... It was like he never exsisted. Kinda like the way they had treated Thomas and Mary... Just don't bring it up... Don't ask! This being said, it was interesting to see that they had ONE adult picture of Gary (at our reception; a family picture) and they not only mentioned Gary, but me, in the obituary. I walked away from the Wiltbanks 10 years ago becuz of how they always made me feel. I've thought about breaking the seal between Gary and I, so I can be sealed to Jesse (whose family has been nothing but kind to me) and now, thanks to going to that funeral, I'm rehashing all the misery... Maybe I should've stayed home.

A Few Things

Well, it's been over a month, and I've done pretty good with my picture a day plan. I've gotta admit, this is more difficult than it seems; probably becuz I'm not working, or going outside of the house much, which limits my picturs to what's here... My critters. Don't get me wrong, I could take pictures of my critters every day and be happy; they truly bring me joy and I love them!!! It just might not make for a very interesting blog post. Some things, however can't be shown in pictures. For example, as of December 1, 2012 I am retired. I don't want to be retired; I honestly miss teaching. It feels like a part of me has died and way too prematurely. I became a teacher becuz I believed I had something to share and I still feel that way... Like I can make a difference in students' lives. Unfortunately, first no one wanted to hire me (which is a true mystery), but I'm pretty sure God has plans for me and I'm kinda waiting to see what those plans are. I do know that physically I'm struggling. I HURT! This pain keeps me from sleeping more than a few hours at a time, which makes me tired most of the time. This in combination with the depression has just taken a toll. Plus, Jesse believed it was time for me to file for disablity. I HATE THIS!!! I don't like thinking or talking about this, other than to say that due to this filing I'm not even able to substitute. We've hired Binder and Binder to help move the disability along, and they said it was "counter-productive" for me to work when I'm trying to prove that I can't. I have to admit that of the few days I did substitute I came home a couple of times remembering why I quit teaching last June. I'm just not sure it should be a permanent solution... Yet. As I've mentoned before, the trip to the emergency room in October, for my foot, ended up showing that I have kidney failure (stage 3). Since then I've given up Pepsi and chocolate (although I do eat sugar free chocolate). Basically, I've been eating very little sugar. I had to have a blood test done (the middle of January) and the results showed that I am VERY anemic (my iron saturation level was 25 when it was supposed to be 300 something). This ended up in me having 5 IV iron injections (the last one is 2/8). I also learned that my Vitamin D level is extremely low. The cure (other than a once a week Vitamin D pill for 5 weeks): Sunshine! This, I could seriously use. I need a beach! This would help the Vitamin D level AND the depression. And, as of January, I've become a columnist for the Beacon News Magazine... We will have to wait and see if this works out!

A Picture A Day 2013

Every year I see blogs where people post a picture every day for a year. So... I decided I'd try it. Let's see how well I do! Tuesday - 1/1: Jesse "celebrating" the new year

Wednesday - 1/2: Christmas lights for 2012

Thursday - 1/3 (two today): Rudy and Jesse's thumb

Last picture of Rudy AND Jesse's thumb with 8 stitces

Friday - 1/4: Dexter recuperating

Saturday - 1/5: Some of my "children"

Sorry its blurry! Sunday - 1/6: My boys

Monday - 1/7: January visiting teaching done!

Tuesday - 1/8: Merry, 1/2 my Christmas present

Wednesday - 1/9: Oh, Polar!

Thursday - 1/10: Red sky in morning...

Friday - 1/11: New tank for Wyatt and Freckles

Saturday - 1/12: Les Mis, again (bawled like a baby, again)

Sunday - 1/13: Chrissy, Merry and Boo... Love 'em!

Monday - 1/14: Coyote (near the hospital in Goodyear... Wonder what he was doing there?!?)

Tuesday - 1/15: OOPS! Wednesday - 1/16: Goofy cat!

Thursday - 1/17: Tug-of-War (Rufus and Dexter)

Friday - 1/18: Genealogy Scrapbooking

Saturday - 1/19: Boo and Chrissy

Sunday - 1/20: Merry in the kitty bed

Monday - 1/21: President Obama's Inauguration

Tuesday - 1/22: Why I live in Phoenix

Wednesday - 1/23: Scrapbooking

Thursday - 1/24: Sitting pretty

Friday - 1/25: Pierre (the picture's not upside down... he is!)

Saturday - 1/26: It's raining

Sunday - 1/27: A gift from Jesse

Monday - 1/28: Was in a bad mood (thanks to dr.'s appointment) Tuesday - 1/29: Molly, my couch hermit

Wednesday - 1/30: True blue Michigan fan

Thursday - 1/31: Is he comfy?

Friday - 2/1: Getting IV iron

Saturday - 2/2: Trying to get a good picture of thej'

Sunday - 2/3: Patty thinks she's a parrot

Monday - 2/4: Chuckles (my pretty, pink princess with beautiful green eyes)

Tuesday - 2/5: My reward for going to Edith's funeral

Wednesday - 2/6: Edith's funeral

HUGE PROBLEM... The camera on my phone quit working properly. I'll be back when it's fixed! Thursday - 2/28: I'm back!!! And, since I've missed most of February, I'm just gonna post the pictures that I managed to get during this month... Here goes! Tree trimming My tanzanite and diamond (reversible) ring A Valentine from my Visiting Teachers A funny Valentine cartoon (compliments of facebook) Boo checking out our new poster What we saw along our walk... Merry and Chrissy My boys... Rufus and Dexter A beautiful day for a walk (2/27) Shadow Friday - 3/1: It's March and my bulbs are growing! Saturday - 3/2: Spring cleaning in the bedroom Sunday - 3/3: Polar Monday - 3/4: Moved the hippos (to keep them away from Jenney) Tuesday - 3/5: Teddy bear bath time Wednesday- 3/6: Wyatt and Freckles Thurday - 3/7: Rufus' new transportation Friday - 3/8: Out for walk Saturday - 3/9: Patty Sunday - 3/10: My boys Monday - 3/11: Dexter likes to cuddle Tuesday - 3/12: Pretty tree along the walk My kitties love each other! Wednesday - 3/13: Ready for Survivor! Thursday - 3/14: Teddy Friday - 3/15: Pretty sunset Saturday - 3/16: We're having mourning dove babies!!! Sunday - 3/17 My "under the couch potato," Molly Monday - 3/18: Salem likes Dexter's kennel Tuesday - 3/19: Our 8th anniversary Wednesday - 3/20: Tigger >< Thursday - 3/21: Oops! Friday - 3/22: It's here!!! Saturday - 3/23: Oz the Great and Powerful Sunday - 3/24: Migraine Monday - 3/25: The path we walk Tuesday - 3/26: It's a sheep made out of an egg Wednesday - 3/27: Easter is the first Sunday after the first full moon after the vernal equinox Thursday - 3/28: The bush survived (even after being whacked... trimmed)! Friday - 3/29: The plants are blooming Saturday - 3/30: Mom's Easter basket Sunday - 3/31: Easter Sunday Monday - 4/1: Patty emptied the contents of the box then took up residency Tuesday - 4/2: We're going to grow tomatoes Wednesday - 4/3: Can they really become friends?!? Thursday - 4/4: Tigger died today Friday - 4/5: New comforter